If I can't be yours
by cogito-ergo-amo
Summary: RitsukoxMaya, shoujoai, some Yuri, little angsty in parts. Set to get more angsty.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimery Stuff;  
  
I didn't create and don't own, pwn or otherwise any of the characters in this story, except Yoshimi. But you wouldn't want her, dreadfully underdeveloped. Anyway. Neon Genesis Evangelion and all of the characters therein are owned by Gainax and Hideaki Anno and all sorts of people whose names I can't pronounce. So there.  
  
I've rated this PG-13. There is occasional swearing and occasional mild nudity/situations of a sexual nature. If I write more later, the rating may well go up, but as it stands I don't think there's anything too untoward. Yet.  
  
Please R and R, be as brutal as you like.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Ritsuko sighed as she switched off her laptop. Once again she was the last of the day-shift staff to leave Nerv central and she knew that she would probably be the first one in tomorrow morning, but that didn't really bother her. After all, she loved her work, didn't she? She slipped off her lab coat with a sigh, picked up her jacket and began to make her way out of HQ.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The corridors leading out of the building were by now usually more or less deserted. Ritsuko was therefore somewhat taken aback by the sound of sobbing coming from the ladies' bathroom near the exit. She was even more surprised to find, upon opening the door, one of her senior technicians curled up in a corner, knees drawn to her chest with her head in her hands.  
  
"Maya?"  
  
The younger woman did not look up. Ritsuko paused for a moment, unsure of what to do. As much as she liked Maya and wanted to put a stop to whatever had happened to cause her upset, dealing with human emotion was not exactly a strong point of hers, nor was it something she was particularly comfortable with. She decided to act on her first impulse to comfort Maya, abandoning any professional boundaries, she knelt down next to her and placed an arm-somewhat awkwardly-around her shoulders. The older woman felt her stomach wrench as her compassionate side observed the pain expressed by her assistant. Without warning Maya wrapped her arms tightly around Ritsuko's waist and wept into her shoulder. The words muffled by her jacket, she just about managed to pick out the phrase  
  
"Sempai.I'm sorry" repeated several times by the brunette.  
  
"Maya, shh, it's okay, it's okay, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Maya pulled away slightly and her appearance pained Ritsuko even more than her plaintive sobs had. The usually pretty, smiling younger woman looked completely drained, her face pale and her eyes red, with grey circles that hinted at several nights of insomnia. This was not the content, motivated console operator who worked so well during the day, it was almost difficult to believe that this was the same Maya Ibuki with whom Ritsuko was familiar.  
  
"I'm sorry sempai, I shouldn't.I shouldn't behave like-this-I mean.I guess I knew she was.but I thought.I mean, hoped that we could.we could work through it like last time but now, now, she's left, with a man.she's.she's." A fresh wave of tears began their descent along Maya's cheeks. Ritsuko's heart went out completely to her. The breakdown of a relationship was almost always devastating and from what little she had learned of Maya she and her partner had been living together happily since before Maya had joined Nerv. She hadn't known however that Maya's partner was another woman, not that it mattered, the fact barely registered as out of the ordinary. Not that it should, to Ritsuko of all people, but for now that was irrelevant, Maya deserved all of her attention at the moment. She had clearly lost something of great importance to her and the removal of love went hand in hand with such dreadful pain. The bathroom of Nerv HQ certainly wasn't the best place for the exchange of the comforting words and reassurance Maya was so desperately in need of right now.  
  
"Maya, do you want to go for a walk? We can get coffee or something, if you need somebody to talk to now, I'm willing to listen if you want me to." Maya looked shocked for a moment, then nodded gratefully with a weak smile. They stood up simultaneously and, feeling more than a little protective of the other woman, Ritsuko took Maya's hand firmly but gently and led her out of the building.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Maya was shivering in the night air, so Ritsuko placed her jacket over her protégée's shoulders, a move received surprisingly enthusiastically, Ritsuko noted. The doctor observed the "closed" sign on the final café of the street they were on and glanced at her watch. "I can't believe everywhere is closed, it's barely 10pm, I'm sorry Maya." She sighed "The least I can do now is walk you home." Ritsuko's proposition made the petite girl begin to weep softly again. Ritsuko was a little alarmed by this, not sure which of her words had triggered Maya's reaction. "Oh God, Maya, I'm sorry, what did I do? I didn't mean to-" Maya shook her head and managed to reply,  
  
"I don't have a home to go to at the moment, I've been staying in a hotel for the past four nights, on the other side of the city." Maya coughed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "After I found out about her.I couldn't stay there, not under her roof, not knowing that she had betrayed me like that, and it was her apartment anyway, so I left. It's happened before, but she usually asks me to come back after one night. Then yesterday I called her." Maya's voice was nearing hysterical through her convulsive sobbing. "She said she doesn't want me back this time, that she's so sick of the amount of overtime I have to do, and that I never see her, and she's had enough of me, and that I was fun but she needs someone else, a man, and I was no use anymore." The younger girl crumpled into Ritsuko, who walked her slightly away from the roadside. She didn't want to draw any more of the unwelcome attention they had been attracting from the usual night time crowd of drunkards, juvenile criminals and prostitutes. Many a time she had wished that her area of Tokyo-3 was a nicer place to live and tonight was no exception. Maya had suffered enough for one day without being sniggered at by the dregs of society.  
  
"Maya." Her hysterical crying had calmed to silent tears and erratic breathing, but her despairing state was no less distressing for Ritsuko to see. She spoke to her softly. "Maya, I have a spare room in my apartment. It's yours if you want it for a night or two, just until you get back on your feet. I only live another three blocks from here and you're very welcome to stay tonight if it would make you feel even a tiny bit better." Maya looked up at her superior, a tiny glimmer of joy glinting in her deep, tear-filled eyes.  
  
"sempai.thankyou.thankyou so, so much."  
  
Ritsuko smiled benignly, once again embracing Maya gently. 


	2. Chapter the second

She took a glance at her watch. 11.32 p.m. Why did the current situation unsettle her so much? Maya was devastated but then again she was a strong young woman and she could survive this. It had worked out pretty damn well for her, the girl she was so in love with was now resident in her home, if only temporarily. She inhaled deeply and the scent of green tea shampoo reached her from the bathroom, where Maya was currently showering. Maya Ibuki, the one she so adored, was her flatmate, for tonight at least. She headed into the kitchen to make another cup of coffee, continuing along the same line of thought. Was that most of the reason why she had invited Maya back home with her? Was it really the altruistic gesture of kindness she had managed to fool both herself and Maya into believing it was? Had anybody except Maya been in that situation would she have so readily taken them into her home? The answer was probably yes, but nonetheless she couldn't help but question her own motives. She shook her head, a slight smile playing across her face.  
  
"I'm as shameless as Misato."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Maya closed her eyes, allowing the hot water to run over her face. An odd calmness had descended upon her, the pain hadn't diminished much if at all, yet she no longer felt the despair and hysteria of only a couple of hours ago. There was something about Ritsuko, she was so cool, so collected and yet balanced it with the compassion she had shown tonight, an aspect of her sempai that very rarely showed itself at work but was most definitely there. This did nothing to reduce Maya's feelings of admiration for the scientist. She hadn't needed to take her in like that, not many people would have done so as readily in that position. As she ran through the night's events she couldn't help but dwell on the close contact with the other woman, her embraces, her warm, caring arms, the feeling of Ritsuko's body so close to hers.  
  
Maya simply couldn't deny that she had harboured feelings of a romantic nature for the older woman since she had started working for her but they were not emotions she could act on, nor could she confront them. Besides, she had been in a stable relationship and as much as she had desired Ritsuko, it really hadn't been much of an issue. She had been happy with her own girlfriend and the feelings for her superior had been permanently left at the back of her mind. But now, here she was, lost, alone and frightened as hell of the world at large, desperate for someone to fill the dreadful emptiness left in her heart by the breakdown of her relationship.  
  
"Is that why I came here with her? Just in the hopes that she could take care of me, see me as I see her, love me?" She grinned incredulously to herself.  
  
"I really am pathetic."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Maya emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a spare robe of Ritsuko's. The older woman smiled at her and she returned the expression, both of them seemed almost relieved to see the other appear content. They held each other's gaze for a moment, almost as if sizing each other up, Ritsuko glancing Maya up and down, noting how cosy she looked. An odd, warm feeling grew rapidly as she gazed upon her younger co-worker and she was almost overcome by an urge to wrap her in a tight hug and not let her go. How would she react if she did? Could she handle a potential rejection? Would Maya read any more into it than a friendly, compassionate gesture? Somehow it seemed doubtful, it didn't take a scientist of her calibre to know that the odds of two people put together by circumstance stood very little chance of actually sharing a mutual feeling of love and adoration.  
  
"Shall I make you another coffee, sempai?" Maya's words snatched Ritsuko's thoughts back to the real world. She glanced at her mug, empty once again, and willingly handed it over to Maya.  
  
"Thankyou, everything you should need for a basic black coffee is out already." Maya headed towards the kitchen area. "Oh, and Maya?"  
  
"Yes, sempai?"  
  
"You needn't call me sempai, especially as we're in my home now." Maya blushed a deep pink.  
  
"Yes, Dr Akagi." She hurried into the kitchen. The scientist smiled to herself. Dr Akagi indeed. Well, at least it was marginally less formal than sempai.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Ritsuko picked up a lighter from her coffee table just as Maya was placing her mug down. "Didn't you want a drink, Maya?"  
  
"No semp-umm," She blushed a little once again. "Um, Ritsuko, I was wondering if I could head to bed soon." As if on cue, she gave a small yawn. Ritsuko noticed how sweetly her petite nose wrinkled when she did so, and smiled.  
  
"Of course" she gave a small laugh "and you needn't ask my permission to sleep. Your room is the one on the left of the bathroom, I showed it to you earlier, ne?" She paused for a moment. "That's assuming of course that you weren't intending upon sharing my bed tonight." As soon as she said it, it sounded wrong. Indeed, rather than dissipating some of the tension remaining in the atmosphere her comment only seemed to add to it. They both blushed and there was an extremely awkward moment of silence, in which there almost seemed to be a deep yet uncomfortable understanding between the two women. Ritsuko broke the pause but spoke quietly. "I get up at 7 a.m., so I'll wake you when I'm done in the bathroom, around quarter past. I'll run to the corner store in the morning to grab something for breakfast, though I warn you it will hardly be gourmet cuisine." She lit up a cigarette. "Sleep well, Maya." 


	3. Third chapter

Ritsuko was awoken by the mouth-watering smell of frying bacon. But who was cooking, somebody must have broken in and started cooking and-no, that couldn't be it. Still reluctant to open her eyes, she allowed last evening's events to percolate back into her mind. Maya. She relaxed once again, eyes still firmly closed she noticed the lack of sensation in her left arm. She then realised the awkward position she had been sleeping in. Groaning slightly, she grudgingly allowed her eyelids to slide back, squinting a little in the morning light, she was met by green upholstery. She sighed, it had been a long time since she had fallen asleep on the sofa, obviously she hadn't given herself credit for just how tired she was when she had started reading that report last night. She began to massage the numb left hand she had slept on with her (thankfully) functioning right one, urging the bloodflow to return. She paused to check her wrist watch. 7.43. She groaned once again, pulling herself up to a seated position. Granted there was no official time she had to be at Nerv for but she had a routine and she hated being late. Maya must have seen her wake up, because almost as soon as she had pulled herself into a seated position her assistant was at her side with a fresh mug of coffee.  
  
"Good morning sempai!" Ritsuko rubbed her eyes and grunted a vague "hello". She was categorically NOT a morning person, at least not until after a cup or three of caffeine-rich goodness. She accepted the mug in her right hand, the left one still tingling as blood drained back into her fingers. She daren't even imagine how shocking she must look, especially compared to Maya who seemed perky and fresh as a daisy even though she had had to put on the same uniform she was wearing yesterday. Still smiling, the younger woman continued, "I'm making breakfast!" Ritsuko's stomach growled it's approval, she'd managed to forget to eat anything since the bagel she had grabbed on her way into work yesterday. Maya seemed so proud of herself that Ritsuko had to smile.  
  
"I'm surprised you managed to make anything, last time I checked all I had in the house was instant ramen and coffee." She couldn't help but think of Misato when she described the contents of her fridge.  
  
"Oh, I know, I went to the store you mentioned last night, they didn't have much, but I got some eggs and bacon. In fact, it's about ready to serve" she hurried back over to the stove where six rashers and a small pan of scrambled eggs were in danger of burning. Ritsuko, after a few sips of coffee, rose to her feet, rubbing her aching neck in an attempt to work out some of the kinks that had established themselves overnight. Falling asleep on the sofa may have seemed a good idea back when she was at college, or just very drunk, but otherwise it wasn't a smart move. And how often did she get drunk nowadays anyway? She muttered a few curses under her breath, had she been in her own room she wouldn't have missed the alarm. Still, breakfast was ready for her so she wouldn't really be that late and Maya seemed happier this morning, so no harm done by her oversleeping. She knelt at the dining table and Maya placed the plate in front of her. Ritsuko's stomach once again grumbled a plea for food. She tasted the scrambled eggs.  
  
"Maya?"  
  
"Yes Ritsuko?" she blushed a little at referring to her sempai by her first name.  
  
"I should have you make breakfast for me more often, this is heavenly, thankyou!" Maya's pink flush deepened into crimson.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Ritsuko rinsed the last of the suds from her hair then simply stood for a few moments, allowing the hot water to flow over her, down her back, soothing some of the still-sore muscles from her awkward night's sleep. This in itself was most unlike her, her showers tended to be quick, cool and efficient, wasting no time or water, there was something almost calculated about them. It made sense to Ritsuko, it gave her a small amount of control in her life even if it was only over something trivial. She had a certain level of control at work but not enough to make her feel at ease with everything she was doing. The more she had thought about it the more she had come to realise how little she actually knew for sure about the Angels, about the Evas, about her lover, if she could call him that. She possessed more knowledge than Misato and most of the other Nerv personnel and for this she should have been grateful but her scientist's mind was not content with the information she had been given, there were far too many unanswered questions. Thinking on such matters made her extremely unsettled, but it was a routine she had gotten into, almost habit, and she had become very adept at putting a stopper on her fears as soon as she was amongst others, but when she was alone she couldn't keep the thoughts from creeping back.  
  
This morning however everything seemed slightly different, off-kilter almost. This was doubtless a result of Maya's presence, but just why had it shaken Ritsuko this strongly? This wasn't the first time she had had feelings like this for another woman, she'd had one or two intimacies with other females in high school and college, but the attraction to men had always been there, hadn't it? She wasn't completely that way, was she? But then, she couldn't name any past boyfriends like she could her girlfriends, except Takeshi, the boy to whom she had lost her virginity on the night of her high school prom but that was certainly not a relationship, it was merely an unromantic fuck, more out of a desire to do what was expected of her that evening, to be like the other girls, and she had hated it. The only other one was Gendou, he was the single grown man she had been in a relationship with. She smirked to herself as the thought crossed her mind. "Relationship" she muttered aloud as she switched off the water. "Surely the word itself implies that the people involved relate to one another." Her and Gendou. That wasn't a relationship, not really. She wanted to relate to him, to make that effort and that connection on some level other than a sexual one. Whenever he made love to her she believed that she had found it, but the countless times she had been left alone in bed, or had him defile her at work only to depart minutes after proved to her his muttered words of love and appreciation were just that, hollow phrases spoken at the height of lust because they fitted the situation. Had it been the same for her mother? Suddenly Naoko's words rang in her head;  
  
"You've always been a little boy-shy, Ritsuko dear." Why the hell has she recalled that now? She knew the answer, much as she denied it to herself, she knew that herself and her mother were fundamentally the same. Despite her inadequate parenting the elder Akagi had, on occasion, demonstrated remarkable insight into her daughter's personality. Those criticisms were almost certainly faults she herself had.  
  
"I am not my mother." She stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and repeated her assertion "I am NOT my mother!" In fact, she knew she couldn't be, knew by the way she felt for Maya, her mother was one of the most homophobic people she had known, there was no way she could become the same person if such an important aspect of her was the polar opposite to her mother. It wasn't the most solid proof and she didn't fully believe it herself, but it gave Ritsuko something to hold on to. The thoughts in the back of her mind never really went away, but she couldn't risk dwelling on them at work, it would involve too much risk, of letting something slip, of making a mistake. Too much relied upon her being alert and making correct decisions for her to let her own issues get in the way of her work, so, as she did every morning, she pushed the thoughts as far from her consciousness as she could, locking them away until she was safely home by herself once more. She applied a final layer of crimson to her lips and left the bathroom as the smart, collected scientist everyone knew her as.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Maya anxiously glanced once again at her watch. Ritsuko had been in the bathroom over half an hour, now, perhaps she was being paranoid as she wasn't familiar with sempai's domestic habits, but 37 minutes for a shower seemed a tad excessive. Maya suspected she was just feeling a little antsy because she had nothing better to be doing, she had finished washing and putting away the breakfast dishes almost twenty minutes ago. She had flicked through a month-old TV guide discarded on the floor next to the coffee table. That had taken three minutes. She had tried flicking through the television channels but at that time in the morning it was all news or children's shows, she cared little for either, she had experienced most of what made the news first hand anyway. She settled for just sitting on the sofa, listening to cars drive by at ground level outside Ritsuko's building and losing herself in her thoughts. She cast her eye over the coffee table which was loaded with work, reports and an overflowing ashtray. This made Maya frown a little for a moment, she did not approve of her sempai smoking despite the fact that she herself would have the occasional cigarette when she was out with friends. Although Ritsuko was always so stressed and Maya had never seen her eat at work, if the copious amounts of tobacco and coffee helped at all then who was she to criticise? Sighing, she relaxed a little, sitting back into the sofa. As she inhaled she picked up faint traces of Ritsuko's perfume in amongst the sour but not wholly unpleasant odour of tobacco smoke. The blend of scents sent a shiver through Maya and she felt goose pimples form on her arms. She closed her eyes for a second and allowed the scent to surround her, it was almost like being back in sempai's arms like last night.  
  
If she was honest with herself, Maya really wasn't sure how she should feel. She was hurting, that went without saying. Yoshimi's rejection of her, kicking her out of her life, the simple thought of it brought tears to her eyes but then, she was with Ritsuko. Her embraces, her touch and her soothing words were practically codeine to the emotional pain Maya was going through. How ironic that it had taken the breakdown of Maya's longest relationship to date to bring her closer than she had ever been to the woman she craved so badly, her admired and beloved mentor. It hurt Maya however that she was far too afraid to tell Ritsuko how she felt, it seemed the most daunting prospect she had ever faced, not to mention that taking that step would almost certainly do far more irrevocable harm than good. For a start she would be sent packing back to the shabby hotel she had called "home" for the past few days, as there was surely no way Ritsu would stand living with the weird lesbo who wanted in on her underwear. Maya sighed wistfully.  
  
"That's all I am and I'll never be good enough for her." She held her head in her hands, and prayed that the truth would never come out. 


	4. and the fourth one

"Maya? Are you OK?" She looked up with a start, wondering where the tears on her hands and face had appeared from. She quickly wiped at her eyes.  
  
"Umm.sempai, yes, I, I'm fine." She smiled, and would have been almost convincing were it not for the tearstains on her soft cheeks. Seeing her like this again was almost unbearable for Ritsuko. The girl may have been suffering but dammit she was brave. Ritsuko found herself once again torn between the impulse to hold Maya close to her and tell her everything was going to be fine, or-  
  
Ritsuko's arms were around Maya before she even recalled the second option. Maya rose to her feet and snaked her arms around the slim waist of her sempai, sobbing into her shoulder. It occurred to her that her face was only a few inches away from the ear of her taller superior. It occurred to Maya how easy it would be to say three words, right now, one of the simplest sentences that existed, if only she were brave enough. Maya hated herself at that moment for not having the guts to just say "I love you". The opportunity was theer for her and she ignored it. Maya nuzzled a little at Ritsuko's shoulder and let out another small sob.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"If only I could tell her"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Maya was crying again. Ritsuko reminded herself that she needed to remain strong, she couldn't let go too. She blinked furiously to keep herself from crying. She managed to overcome her emotions, at least on the surface, something she had become very good at over the years. The feeling of Maya's diminutive frame pressed against her own brought another wave of tenderness over the taller woman and she sighed blissfully. Human contact. Something she had missed a huge amount in recent weeks, contact from another person who she really cared for anyway. Maya's face was all but hidden and she felt the shorter woman's head incline slightly into her shoulder. Could she say it now? She had often said it to Gendou without difficulty, why was this situation proving so much harder than she could have anticipated? In a way it felt almost like taking advantage of Maya. She was emotionally fragile and almost certainly impressionable, saying it now would be wrong, not to mention completely unfair. Besides which there was a substantial chance that her words could be misconstrued anyway, as an expression of platonic love, or worse, as the love of a workman for his tools because to all intents and purposes, in a professional environment, Maya was little more than a tool who facilitated Ritsuko's own duties. At least, that was Gendou's taken on the technician's job description.  
  
Ritsuko instead settled for kissing the top of Maya's head so softly the other girl barely noticed. "Shh, it's okay, everything's going to be alright."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"If only she knew."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
They arrived at Nerv headquarters shortly after 9.30, Maya straightaway settling into her rapid typing at her console, whilst Ritsuko headed for her office and was less than surprised by the usual ream's worth of papers that had accumulated in her inbox. She switched on her computer and whilst it was warming up she perused the uppermost file of the stack of paperwork. A post-it note was stuck to the front of it that simply read "Ring me, please" in the commander's aggressive hand. Ritsuko sighed wearily, she knew full well what that message meant, she was beginning to lose track of the number of times it had appeared in with her day's work. Ikari never requested that she called him unless he wanted to sweet-talk her into another sexual liason. She knew that she would buy whatever he said, when he wanted something he could be incredibly charming. She decided to bite the bullet and get the call over with. This was the only time she ever used his personal extension number.  
  
"Dr Akagi."  
  
"You requested I ring you, sir."  
  
"Indeed I did, how are you Ritsuko?" She sighed. He was only ever this personal with her when he was attempting to coax her to sleep with him. She would fall for it, play along with his false sweetness as she always did, but she wasn't most happy with herself when she did.  
  
"To be honest I'm a little tired this morning, but not much different from usual, yourself?"  
  
"The old men of the committee, as you may be aware, are looking to advance their schedule by a few days, naturally this displeased me but of course we are not going to bow to their demands." She made a vague noise of agreement, and they both paused for a few seconds. "I'd like to see you again today." They both knew it was more of an order than a request.  
  
"Certainly Commander, what time would you like me to arrive?"  
  
"1 p.m. would be appropriate, I have no meetings until 3 this afternoon."  
  
"I'll be there."  
  
"I look forward to it." Then, almost as an afterthought; "Thankyou, Ritsuko."  
  
She placed the phone back onto its cradle with a defeated sigh. There was something about his manner in those conversations that made her uneasy, how he could be relatively pleasant and humane to her solely to manipulate her into doing his bidding. What annoyed her more was that she allowed him to get away with it, she was more than willing for him to use her as.as what? What did she gain from it other than a few moments of physical pleasure? She was little more than Gendou's whore, just as mother had been. This had bothered her before, but not to this extent. Absent-mindedly, she lit up a cigarette and began to tap some code into her computer as she continued her ruminations. So she slept with her commander, surely that wasn't such a big deal. He gave her some validation, some meaning to her life other than her work. Aside from anything else, her exchanges with Gendou were much less messy than the other relationships she saw going on around her. Misato, running to the arms of an old flame in desperation every time she realised just how old she was getting and trying to fill her own personal void with sex. Shinji's obvious quasi-oedipal attraction to the first child was simply unnatural. She shrugged, it seemed that unconventional relationships were very much the norm within Nerv, why should her sexual encounters with Ikari be a problem?  
  
Without warning, her thoughts darted back to Maya. This complicated matters somewhat. Although she had often pondered upon it before, the line of questioning in her head seemed all the more strident in the wake of last night. She had known of her feelings for Maya for some months now, months in which she had continued her affair with Gendou without any notable crisis of conscience but now things seemed suddenly different. She realised that she had probably learned more about Maya last night than in the whole of the rest of the time she had known her. It was as if a barrier between them had been removed, not only physically in the entrance of Maya into Ritsuko's home but also emotionally, in Maya's transition from amicable colleague to friend. Maya was no longer simply a pleasant younger woman whom she worked with. Quite literally overnight she had become a real, three-dimensional person whose existence in Ritsuko's mind now went far beyond the talented Lieutenant she had previously known her as. This had in turn affected how Ritsuko felt for the other woman, the affection and desire previously felt had increased exponentially when she had invited Maya into her home and in effect brought their two worlds together. She no longer felt simple adoration and respect tinged with lust; she had now fallen completely in love with her. She loved every part of Maya she had discovered so far and wanted to learn all there was to know about her, from her, to take care of her and be taken care of by her. She had barely given a second thought to how significant inviting Maya home could have been last night and now she realised. And she knew she could never go back. 


	5. so anyway, I SUCK at chapter names

Maya worked diligently and without cease until her 11.30 break. Her tasks for the morning were relatively uncomplicated, mostly entering and reformatting data, most of which she could do on autopilot. This gave her plenty of time to think. The effect of last night on her had been surprising. Her fellow technicians immediately noticed the difference in her from the previous few days, she had gone from being silent, depressed and intensely withdrawn to seeming distant, faintly bemused, but much happier. They took this to be an improvement but were still concerned for Maya's well being, she was usually much more open and talkative with them when she arrived at work. She however was oblivious to their shifty glances behind her back as she immersed herself further in the figures generated by her quick, skilled fingers.  
  
She was still hurting from what Yoshimi had done and said to her, but last night _had_ made her feel undeniably better. She had felt safe and calm in the arms of her sempai, as if nobody had ever held her like that before. It just confused her that she could feel so strongly for someone so one- sidedly. She drew an almost bittersweet comfort from the fact that due to Ritsuko's position she would never have to tell her how she felt. She would almost certainly send the night at Ritsuko's again, assuming the offer remained open. The prospect of this in itself thrilled her in a way she thought it really shouldn't do, but last night she had seen another side of Ritsuko. A much less guarded person, one who existed as someone with a home and a life outside of the context of the high-ranking Nerv scientist Maya had known her as exclusively. The heightened sensation of being in love with one so wonderful as her sempai was indescribable, but her affections in such an inappropriate situation were much more of a curse than a blessing for Maya.  
  
As usual at half past eleven she headed for the poky staff kitchen to make herself a mug of hot chocolate. Today Shigeru followed her in. She sighed, this usually meant there was going to be a line of questioning serving little purpose other than plying her for gossip. Today however he seemed much more tactful than usual and his intent wasn't immediately clear.  
  
"Hey, how are you today? You arrived late, so I didn't get a chance to say hi." Maya smiled and replied politely but curtly  
  
"I'm fine, thankyou." He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Really? Maya, how long have we known each other?" She shrugged.  
  
"Too long?" she smirked at him and he grinned.  
  
"Seven years, Maya. Long enough for me to know when all is not well in your world. I'm not going to force you to talk or anything like that, but you haven't been yourself for almost a week now and I, well, Hyuga as well, we're worried. We want to be here for you but God knows you don't make it easy." Maya snorted cynically then regarded him wordlessly for a moment. He shifted his weight, looking a little uncomfortable. "Is everything okay with Yoshi?" Maya turned away from him, praying he hadn't noticed her pained expression. She wanted to tell him, make the burden upon her own shoulders a little lighter but feared that once she began talking she wouldn't be able to stop until it was all out of her system. She knew however that her self-control was up to a little more than that. She decided she should at least set him straight on the status of her relationship, he might as well know.  
  
"Yoshimi."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Yoshi is Yoshimi. He's a she." Calling upon every scrap of courage she possessed, she forced herself to look him confidently in the eye. He had reddened visibly but was doing a good job of reacting coolly.  
  
"Oh." He paused for a second. "Guess Makoto loses that bet." Maya was faintly amused but mostly irked by this.  
  
"You took bets on whether or not my partner was female?" She tried not to smirk again. There was something amusingly puerile about the fact they would do something like that.  
  
"Well.yes. No money or anything, more of a dare I suppose." He shrugged and smiled apologetically.  
  
"So what made you think.I mean, I never told you two, or anyone at Nerv." He cast his eyes to the floor.  
  
"Takes one to know one I guess." Well that certainly wasn't what Maya had been expecting. She stared at him for much longer than she should have done, then realised that she hadn't said anything.  
  
"Oh." She cleared her throat and smiled. "Sorry, I mean, heh, who'd have thought that two of us were." she drifted off. Shigeru pulled her into a gentle embrace. She hugged him back, glad of some friendly contact.  
  
"It sucks when you break up, but you'll be a stronger person for it. You were too good for her anyway." She pulled away from him slightly.  
  
"How did you." He shrugged.  
  
"I was on a roll and took a shot in the dark?" He smiled sympathetically and gave her another squeeze. "Remember, I have a fold out couch at home, just the same as always, if you want to crash you're more than welcome. But no bringing girls back to mine, ya dyke." he winked and Maya let out a small giggle.  
  
"Thankyou, for the offer, for everything. I have somewhere right now, but I don't know how long I'll be there for, but thankyou anyway." He gave her a slightly devilish grin.  
  
"Someone else already? Who's the lucky roommate?" Maya felt herself blush.  
  
"Umm, an acquaintance."  
  
"Do I know them?"  
  
"I doubt it."  
  
"That's a yes! Go on, you can tell me.!  
  
"Really, it's not-"  
  
"Someone I know.hmmm, Katsuragi? Oh my, Makoto WILL be jealo-"  
  
"Just drop it already!" She knew he was only playing and not meaning to upset her but she wasn't in the mood for it at that moment. "I'm sorry, but please, leave it." Her tone was not one to be argued with.  
  
"OK, Maya, I'll drop it, sorry. Honestly, as long as you're happy and safe it doesn't worry me as much. But you mean a lot to me, you know that, and I'm here for ya." He smiled. "And there aren't many people I'd say that to, I have an image to keep up y'know?" She relaxed a little and managed a weak smile. "Say, you up for Karaoke with me and Hyuga on Friday?" She grinned widely.  
  
"Aren't I always? But I'm not gonna sing, you know that." She winked at him.  
  
"Suuuurrrre you're not." He double-winked back. "At least, not until you've finished your first pitcher."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
At 12.30 there was a tentative knock at the door. Her first thought was Misato but then, when did she EVER knock, never mind quietly? "Come in." She was a little surprised to see Lieutenant Ibuki shuffle into the room.  
  
"Um, Dr Akagi, I brought you the printouts from the last synch tests and I made you a coffee." She smiled shyly, almost nervously as she placed the mug and papers down on her desk. She lingered a little before heading back out, without really realising she had paused with her gaze resting on the blonde woman.  
  
"Is everything alright?" Maya jumped, the blonde woman hadn't even looked up.  
  
"Umm, fine, yes, thankyou" She hurriedly went to leave but Ritsuko stopped her once again.  
  
"Maya?"  
  
"Yes, sempai?"  
  
"That hotel you said you are staying in, did you check out?" Maya shook her head. "I didn't think so, I just don't really see that there's any point you being charged for nights you aren't sleeping there, that is, assuming you weren't planning upon returning tonight." Maya smiled, once again blushing furiously.  
  
"You're right, I'll drop by there after work and pick up my clothes, I don't have much, only a suitcase, I left most of my stuff at her apartment." Ritsuko beamed back at her slightly more enthusiastically than she had planned on.  
  
"So can I assume you'll be staying at my place for tonight as well?" Maya began to look steadily more flustered.  
  
"Umm.well, I though, I mean, You said, well, if that's going to be, I mean, if I'm not, erm, thankyou, if you're sure you don't mind."  
  
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it. Bring your things over from the hotel." She glanced at her watch and Maya noticed something slightly nervous about her demeanour, but didn't comment on it. "Anyway, I have work to do, I'll talk to you later." Her reluctance to let Maya leave gave a slight edge to her tone but Maya didn't seem to pick up on it. She simply nodded and left, closing the door quietly behind her. As she leaned against it on the other side, she did not even dare to suspect that Ritsuko was staring longingly after her on the other side. Maya took a few deep breaths and waited for her pulse to slow a little before heading back to her place on the bridge. She never failed to be amazed by how quickly and efficiently Ritsuko could switch between relaxed and professional moods, and it was just one more thing she admired her for. 


	6. y'see?

12.45. Time for one more cigarette before she had to leave to see the commander. No matter how often she attended these liaisons she was always irrationally nervous beforehand and today she felt even worse than usual. Why did she allow herself to get so worked up over what was just sex? A form of communication and expression between two individuals that happened to be pleasurable. It needn't be any more than that. It could be given more meaning if it occurred between two people who were actually in love but the feelings; the physical sensation remained essentially the same. Perhaps that was the problem; she didn't enjoy it as much as she should because she didn't love the commander. She could fool herself, tell herself over and over again that she truly did care for him and it wasn't just because he was the only person showing an interest in her, but that argument was beginning to sound more than a little worn and over-rehearsed. No amount of her attempted logical reason could dispel the wretchedness she felt as Maya crossed her mind. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, taking a few deep breaths and making a futile attempt at clearing her head before flicking the stub of her cigarette into her ashtray and leaving her office.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
No matter how much she tried, she couldn't enjoy this at all today. He was getting what he wanted, his grunts of approval showed that, but she was distant, staring blankly at the ceiling with her mind elsewhere, not that he seemed to notice. Never before had she really noticed just how cold and uncomfortable Gendou's desk felt under her back, how careless and fumbling a lover he was, how he called her Naoko more than once when attempting to whisper 'sweet nothings' to her. She could have burst into tears there and then at the simple thought of how disgusting she was for doing this, for putting up with it, how pathetic it was that her lover was a man who thought more of her own mother than of her whilst they made love. She managed to hold back her tears but even her substantial self-control was being pushed to the limits in keeping herself from shoving him away from her, rejecting him in the disgust she really felt. Her lack of enthusiasm didn't even seem to register with him, he finished what he had set out to do, pushed himself away from her and sat next to her for a few moments as he got his breath back.  
  
"Excellent, Doctor Akagi." She refused to look him in the eye, something that didn't bother him as he refastened his trousers. She reached for her labcoat pocket to get a cigarette, but he offered her one first from a silver container kept in one of his desk drawers. She accepted it gratefully but without making eye contact.  
  
"Thankyou sir." He then offered a lighter to her. He was almost sweet towards her in the run up to and few minutes after their encounters.  
  
"You seemed disinterested today, is anything wrong?" She knew he didn't really care, he was just making small talk and there was no way she was going to tell him truthfully what was on her mind.  
  
"Everything is fine, really." She held her cigarette between her lips and she refastened her skirt, then perched with her legs crossed on the edge of his desk. Massaging his ego probably wouldn't do any damage now. "I enjoyed that, commander." She even managed a smile. "Thankyou." He simply nodded.  
  
"You may leave now." His sudden change to indifference roused no longer simply disgust but also anger within her. She pulled her labcoat back on and left his office without saying a word, making sure she had her back to him before she allowed the tears to fall. Not that he would have cared anyway.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Hey, Ritsuko!" The scientist continued down the corridor, paying no heed to her name being called. She refused to let Misato see her like this. Why was she even crying anyway? She was upset but most of that stemmed from self hatred at allowing Gendou to use her like that, and what was the point in crying when there was nobody but yourself to blame for your situation? She strode on, quickening her pace slightly, pointedly ignoring Misato who continued to pursue her. She reached her office several paces before the other woman but the door had barely closed before her friend burst through the door. "Hey, what's the big idea?" Ritsuko shook her head and faced away from Misato. "Ritsuko? C'mon, quite ignoring me, hey." her tone softened as she walked over to her, placing a hand gently on Ritsuko's shoulder, but it was shaken away. "Ritsuko?" The blonde reluctantly turned to face her and Misato was more than a little shocked to see that Dr Akagi was in tears, the woman who was usually so collected and professional regardless of proximity to her workplace. She had barely even shed a tear when her mother had passed away. Misato was at a complete loss as to what could have shaken her usually unflappable friend so profoundly to cause this reaction. It then occurred to her that Ritsuko had just come out of the commander's office. "Hey, is this about the commander? Don't pay attention to what that bastard says to you if it's upsetting you, all he ever does is chew our asses off over the slightest things, and you sure as hell haven't done anything lately to deserve it." Ritsuko shook her head and began to sob even harder, resting her head on Misato's shoulder.  
  
"Oh God I'm stupid Misato, what the hell is wrong with me?" Misato uncertainly wrapped her arms around her friend.  
  
"C'mon.shh, it's okay, it can't be that bad, you want to tell me what's up?"  
  
"I'm a horrible, horrible woman.I don't deserve anyone, Misato." Misato rolled her eyes and stifled a sigh.  
  
"Look, you know that isn't true, I know that isn't true, so don't go on thinking that for a second longer. What did the commander say to you anyway? I'll chew HIS ass off if it's him that's upset you." Ritsuko pulled away from her, wiping her eyes and trying to calm her breathing. She knew Misato's promise to confront the commander was empty and unnecessary but it still brought a small, fleeting smile to her lips. Misato was amazed at how rapidly her friend managed to pull her composure back into line, though her speech remained halting and irregular.  
  
"That won't be necessary, but thankyou." She smiled, almost self- deprecatingly. "I don't know what came over me, I haven't had a frivolous outburst like that for some time." Misato shrugged and smiled.  
  
"Sometimes it's good to get it out of your system like that. You don't have to tell me what's getting to you if you really don't want to, but I do worry about you and I have a way of finding things out." She winked. "But seriously, I'm never quite sure what's ticking over in that amazing brain of yours. It wouldn't hurt to open up a little more." Ritsuko attempted another weak smile.  
  
"You're probably right. After all, negative human emotion needs an outlet to prevent long term problems, it's basic psychology."  
  
"You never change, do you? So cool and analytical about everything." There was a pause where she regarded her friend affectionately. "Say, you wanna go barhopping on Friday? It'll be fun! We haven't gotten drunk together in months, I think we could both do with the relaxation." Ritsuko considered this. Two days' time. Would Maya still be living with her by then? Most likely the answer was yes, but if it came to it, she could just invite Maya along. Besides she may have already made plans of her own.  
  
"Sure, why not? It'll be fun, just like old times."  
  
"Great! It'll be a blast. I'm gonna leave you now, assuming you're going to be alright." Ritsuko laughed and nodded.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"What are friends for?"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
What was bugging her? Misato hadn't seen her cry since.in fact she couldn't remember if she'd ever seen her cry, not like that, such an outburst was completely uncharacteristic for Ritsuko. Something must be really wrong, and she was worried. This anxiety, coupled with her highly inquisitive nature strengthened her desire to find out what exactly was going on no end. If she wouldn't tell her today, a few margheritas on Friday should do the trick. 


	7. seven seven seven seven That's just an e...

Ritsuko sighed as she slumped down into her chair. That had been a complication she hadn't anticipated. "What's wrong with me?" Why had she so willingly let go just then? And more to the point, what was she so upset about anyway? She was in control of her situation wasn't she? Everything that had happened between herself and the commander, it wasn't anything she had any desire to get out of, really. Was it? So why did she feel so bad about it this time, almost as if someone had been watching her, like her conscience, a reminder that what she was doing was morally abhorrent and her heart wasn't in it at all, that she had been wishing somebody else had been there with her, that it had been someone else's body against hers. She could feel the saltwater trailing down her face again. Never before had a feeling for someone else permeated her consciousness like this, almost to the point of obsession. Ritsuko knew that she only felt like this because what she wanted was so unattainable, she knew that if anything were to happen between them her feelings of confusion and desperation would almost certainly diminish, but for now that failed to register as she wept.  
  
"I love her."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Maya finally arrived back at Ritsuko's shortly after ten p.m. She placed her suitcase inside the door and glanced around. "Sempai?" She noticed the note stuck to the fridge door with a magnet.  
  
"Maya, I wasn't feeling well so I went to bed early. I stocked the fridge, so help yourself to dinner if you're hungry. Sorry I'm not here to welcome you back personally, but I'll see you in the morning, Ritsuko."  
  
Maya pulled the note off the door with a sigh. It looked like she wouldn't be seeing Ritsuko this evening after all. She once again glanced around the flat, allowing her eyes to rest for a moment on her suitcase. What was this place to her? Home? A stopgap? Just another Hotel? None of those names seemed to fit. It was a nice apartment, the area of the city it was in wasn't the most pleasant but it was close to Nerv HQ, but something still felt so uncomfortable, almost as if she could never really belong here. She suddenly felt a sense of panic; what if she couldn't find anywhere else? What if she ended up staying for any extended period of time? The tension she felt due to her unspeakable feelings was already gnawing at her inside, twisting her stomach and increasing her heart rate every time she looked at Ritsuko now. Moreover, was she being presumptuous for imagining that Ritsuko would allow her to stay for more than a few nights? Maya was beginning to regret ever agreeing to go home with Ritsuko, but last night Dr Akagi had shown her kindness and compassion she had so desperately needed. Maya barely knew what to think anymore, she curled up on the sofa and began to sob once again, each inhalation filling her senses with the scent of Ritsuko.  
  
"sempai."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The streetlamps outside the window gave the white ceiling a dim orange hue. How long had she been staring up at it? Forty minutes? An hour? Ritsuko sighed, cursed her insomnia, and listened. She had heard Maya come in and walk around, but now what was she doing? The other bedroom door hadn't been closed, or at least, she hadn't heard it, and years of living alone had taught her to recognise each minute sound that happened in her apartment. She strained her ears a little more. Was that.? It was, undeniably, muffled sobs, Maya was crying. Attempting to ignore the growing awkwardness she felt around Maya, she left her bed for the living room. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Maya?" She didn't look up. Ritsuko sat down next to her and Maya whimpered slightly.  
  
"I'm sorry.you shouldn't.I don't want.you to see me like this.I-I'm sorry." Ritsuko smiled softly and shook her head.  
  
"It's okay, cry if you need to, I shan't think any less of you for it." It hurt the older woman to see Maya like this but she still wasn't sure of how to act. She opted to go with her instinct and moved a little closer to Maya, cradling the brunette's head in her lap. Maya's tears began to soak through the hem of Ritsuko's silk nightshirt but she couldn't have cared less as she gently began to stroke Maya's hair. "Shhh, it's okay, it's alright." Ritsuko could feel a warmth spreading through her being, a feeling of overwhelming compassion and tenderness that brought tears to her eyes. There was no suspicion however that Maya may have been feeling the same.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Maya's sobbing calmed after a while before evolving into the deep, slow rise and fall of sleep. Ritsuko was more than a little tempted to stay there all night, content to listen to the soothing sounds of Maya's peaceful slumber. The feeling of physical contact with one she cared for so deeply was treasured but she was more worried about how it may look to Maya in the morning, to find herself still being watched over. Besides, Ritsuko really wanted a good night's sleep in her own bed. Very slowly and carefully she shifted her knees from under Maya's head and smoothly replaced them with a sofa cushion. She then brought a spare blanket from her own bedroom and gently placed it over her dormant guest, once again feeling the urge to stay there all night, just watching the woman she loved so dearly at peace and it was with regret that she began to move back to her room, when Maya whispered a little in her sleep.  
  
"Sempai." The blonde woman's eyes widened and she pivoted instantly back to face the sofa. Had she heard correctly? Was Maya calling for her in her sleep? A sudden need to yawn reminded her of how tired she was and she guessed that that must be it, her exhausted mind was probably playing tricks on her, but she couldn't shake the slight bit of comfort she had drawn from what she thought she had heard.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Thursday moved into Friday and daytime shifted into evening with no major occurrences. The only thing that had been significant, at least to Ritsuko, was giving Maya her own key to the flat. Ordinarily she wouldn't have entrusted it to someone who had been with her for such a short period of time, but it seemed only fair to allow Maya the option of coming and going as she pleased. She had surprised herself in how apprehensive she had been about handing over the physically insignificant piece of metal, but having to ensure that they were both either at home or work at the same time was a restriction upon the freedom of both of them. Besides, if Maya was only staying for a few days it wasn't exactly the substantial commitment it would have been for somebody moving in permanently.  
  
But these thoughts were not foremost in mind as she prepared to go out on Friday evening. It turned out that Maya had made plans with Shigeru and Makoto that night. Maya had seemed much happier for the past two days, although Ritsuko suspected she was hiding a lot of her true feelings from her. Still, there was a lot to be said for putting a brave face on inner pain, wasn't there? She knew that, she was living proof of that a lot of the time. She smiled as she slipped on her flat blue sandals, years of barhopping with Misato had taught her the perils of wearing high heels. Besides, it was a hot night and the shoes went well with the plain blue shift dress she was wearing. Light enough to keep cool but not revealing enough to attract unwanted attention, more specifically male attention. Giving herself a once-over in the bedroom mirror, she resolved to have a good time that night, no matter what.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Maya came out of her room just as Ritsuko was headed for the front door. They each paused to get a look at what the other was wearing. Maya looked understatedly cute in a violet halterneck top and cropped indigo jeans, with simple black kitten-heeled sandals on her feet. Her fringe was casually swept away from her face and held in place with a purple barrette.  
  
They both had to fight to keep their jaws from dropping as they surveyed each other; both convinced they were looking at one of the most beautiful women in the world.  
  
"You look nice, Ritsuko." The blonde woman suddenly felt self-conscious, she even blushed a little as she pushed a few strands of hair behind her ear.  
  
"Oh, thankyou, so do you, I wish I could pull off a bare midriff as well as you." Maya laughed awkwardly.  
  
"Um, I might not come back here tonight, just to let you know in advance, I usually end up crashing at Aoba's after we go out, he lives a little closer to the city centre." Ritsuko nodded.  
  
"Well, I'll be at Misato's if I don't come back here, so it's best not to wait up for me." She grinned. "Have a good evening!" 


	8. Meaningful Karaoke I'm so, so sorry

"Karaoke?"  
  
"Why the hell not?" They both stumbled, giggling, into the bar. One of the seediest clubs in Toky-3 was also the only all-night Karaoke bar and it had become something of a tradition for the two women to round off their drinking sprees with a few dreadful ballads sung in a key somewhere beyond H. By the time they reached the club however they were always too drunk to care, as were most of the patrons. They located an empty booth not far from the stage and Misato had barely sat down before she was headed to the bar. "Same again?" Ritsuko nodded with a smile. Although she didn't do it as often anymore, she could still put away alcohol almost as well as Misato, it seemed she hadn't lost some of the life experience gained in college. She checked out the current performer on the stage. A man who looked more than a little familiar singing Bowie's "Ashes to Ashes." On closer inspection she realised that it was one of her technicians, Aoba to be precise. She grinned and joined in the cheers for him as Misato returned with a pitcher of Margherita.  
  
"What are you yelling at?" Ritsuko pointed at the stage. It took Misato a few moments to realise who was singing but once she recognised him she was back on her feet cheering "Go Shigeru! Atta boy!" He saw her and grinned widely as he strutted, obviously drunk, but loving every minute. Once his number was over he made his way across the smoky room.  
  
"Heya captain, how are you?" He then caught sight of Ritsuko. "Dr Akagi! Lovely to see you!" He grinned. Ritsuko raised her eyebrows in recognition, in the middle of lighting up a cigarette. Misato clapped him on the back.  
  
"Nice going up there! The crowd loved ya." He cast a sceptical eye at the still-rowdy collection of customers, but Misato didn't notice. "So what brings a nice young man like you to a place like this on a Friday evening? You got a date?" He gestured over to the opposite side of the room.  
  
"Yup, I'm here with my two main ladies, Ibuki and Hyuga." Ritsuko's interest was piqued at the mention of Maya's name. "In fact, Maya dearest is up next." Sure enough a drunk but still nervy Maya was now onstage, waiting for her song to start. "How about you two come join us at our table? It'll be fun."  
  
"Sure! C'mon Ritsuko!" Misato grabbed her wrist and the cocktail jug, following Aoba over to his booth. Makoto blanched at the sight of them.  
  
"Umm.Dr Akagi! Captain Katsuragi! I...erm..." He shot a vicious glance at Shigeru and the two women laughed.  
  
"Relax Hyuga, we're not at work now." She flashed a sparkling grin at him. "We're just here to have some fun." She deliberately shuffled close to him, teasingly, moving close to his ear she purred "and isn't that what you came here for too?" Ritsuko couldn't help but laugh at Misato's drunken advances on Hyuga, who seemed surprisingly happy to have her friend so close to him. She made a note to keep an eye on the pair of them, if nothing else it could be entertaining. The opening bars of "The Name of The Game" played and Misato laughed. "Abba? You have GOT to be kid-" but she was silenced by an unexpected glare from Ritsuko, who then turned her attention to the stage.  
  
".it seems to me, for every time I'm getting more open hearted.  
  
I was an impossible case, No-one ever could reach me But I think I can see in your face There's a lot you can teach me."  
  
"Wow, the girl doesn't sound too bad huh?" The two men nodded their agreement with Misato's statement.  
  
"Yup, Maya's really great, she just doesn't give herself enough credit for it and she's too self conscious to sing when she's sober." Makoto took a swig from his bottle of Asahi. "And it's a shame, because she really does sound good." Ritsuko wasn't paying attention to the conversation; she was completely absorbed in Maya's performance. She was stood perfectly still onstage, her eyes fixed on a point somewhere above the heads of the audience, as if she had shut them out completely and was in a world entirely of her own. Ritsuko had heard the song before but never really paid attention to the lyrics. Cheesy as they were, she could identify with them in a way she hadn't noticed before, especially coming from Maya.  
  
".What's the name of the game? Does it mean anything to you? What's the name of the game? Can you feel it the way I do? Tell me please, 'cause I have to know I'm a bashful child, beginning to grow."  
  
The noises of the customers cheering, talking and drinking were an annoyance but Ritsuko managed to ignore them as she listened.  
  
"And you make me talk And you make me feel And you make me show What I'm trying to conceal."  
  
Ritsuko had never suspected that Maya had such a beautiful singing voice. She had now stopped staring over the heads of the audience and was looking around the bar, smiling a little at the mostly positive reaction from her audience.  
  
".If I trust in you, Would you let me down? Would you laugh at me If I said I care for you? Could you feel the same way too? I wanna know."  
  
A couple of bars into the second verse Maya made eye contact with Ritsuko. Losing her focus for a split second she went horribly flat for one note, but then regained her composure, or most of it, although she seemed a little tenser than before. Ritsuko didn't notice that it was her who had sparked that reaction in Maya; she turned her attention from the stage just long enough to pour herself a margherita. She closed her eyes and allowed the sound of Maya's voice to surround her.  
  
"Your smile and the sound of your voice And the way you see through me Got a feeling you give me no choice, But it means a lot to me."  
  
She sighed and leaned back, relaxing into the blue velvet-effect fabric of the booth. She hadn't been as drunk as this for a long time, she knew how dreadful she would no doubt feel the next day but she really didn't care, she was enjoying herself too much. 


	9. chapter 9

Once her song was finished, Maya made her way back over to their booth and in her haste to return she stumbled a little but managed to regain her balance with a minimum of embarrassment, though she did get her left buttock pinched by a middle aged businessman on her way back but rather than blushing, she turned around and winked at him, sashaying her hips a little. Unfortunately her slightly staggering gait betrayed her attempt at seductiveness. She barely even blushed when she saw Ritsuko.  
  
"That was wonderful Maya, you're really talented!" That raised a red hue in Maya's cheeks.  
  
"Thanks Dr Akagi." She smiled slightly, almost flirtatiously.  
  
"Please, it's Ritsuko!" She turned back to Misato upon feeling a nudge in the ribs and had to bite her tongue to keep herself from laughing. A young man who looked to be barely over the legal drinking age, quite obviously drunk and suffering from an over-inflated ego, was trying to put the moves on Misato and failing miserably.  
  
"I'm sure you DO have the biggest cock of all the men in here like you claim, but I'm afraid I like girls." She smiled condescendingly at him as she placed a hand on Ritsuko's thigh. "And I don't think my girlfriend here would be very happy with you trying to chat me up whilst she's within earshot." Still trying not to laugh, Ritsuko placed an arm around Misato's shoulder and kissed her cheek.  
  
"Is this dick giving you trouble, sweetie?" She played with a lock of Misato's hair whilst shooting contemptuous glares at her would-be suitor. Unfortunately Misato's claim of homosexuality hadn't deterred him as much as she had hoped.  
  
"Rug munchers eh? I bet you both just need a good, hard fuck from a guy like me to win you back from the dark side." He raised an eyebrow suggestively at Ritsuko. "How about you let me show you both how good guys can be." Misato managed to keep a straight face and reply airily.  
  
"No, we're perfectly happy with each other thankyou all the same. We don't want or need a man, but hey, if we change our minds." She winked at him. He was beginning to show signs of defeat but still wasn't prepared to go out without a fight.  
  
"So you two really are lovers? Prove it. I wanna see you kiss each other." Ritsuko nuzzled at Misato's neck, managing to look deadly serious.  
  
"Will it make the weird hetero go away?" Misato nodded.  
  
"I think so." Ritsuko allowed Misato to initiate their kiss. She was surprised by how much she enjoyed it and they both got fairly heavily into it, caressing each other's legs and breasts, carrying on for over a minute. The young man said nothing more but his gaping mouth and suspiciously bulging trousers gave them more than enough information as he slowly departed, casting a disbelieving glance back at them every couple of seconds. Once he was safely out of range, the pair of them burst out laughing.  
  
"Did you see the look on his face? He's going to be having sweet dreams tonight!"  
  
"That's for damn sure, dammit you were good, 'will it make the weird hetero go away' I thought I was gonna giggle and blow the whole thing! Aw, you don't think I was too hard on him do ya? He was only a kid." Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. "Nah, I didn't think ya would. Thanks for doing that though, it's been a while since we had to do that to get rid of a creep like him."  
  
"Mmmhmm, if I recall correctly last time we tried that Kaji was just more insistent than ever that he was going to win you over. But I guess there's no accounting for taste." Misato glared at her. "Okay, I'm kidding. How about some more margueritas? On me this time, but you can go and get them, they always serve the slutty ones first." They both laughed.  
  
"Oh, if I was sober you would be SO dead!" Misato climbed over her to get out of the booth with a distinct lack of dignity, giving Hyuga an image of fan service he wasn't going to forget for a long time. Ritsuko hoped for Misato's sake that she was wearing underwear with a skirt that short. As she watched Misato go, Maya was made conspicuous by her absence.  
  
"Where did Ibuki-chan go?" She hiccupped and Aoba shrugged.  
  
"Said she was going for some air, she only left about a minute ago." Something seemed to occur to Shigeru. He gave Ritsuko a very odd, almost searching look as he stood up. "I'm going to go and see how she is." He headed out of the bar. A look of concern played across Ritsuko's face. Hyuga gestured after them with his head/  
  
"Guess some people just can't hold their liquor like us, huh?" She gave him a false smile.  
  
"I guess not." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Maya?"  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I just wanted to see how you are, you left pretty quickly then, just checking you're not throwing up or anything."  
  
"I'm fine, I'll be back inside in a minute."  
  
"You're crying."  
  
"No, it's just very smoky in there. Leave me, please, I'm fine." There was a pause. The young man sat down on the curb next to her. "I said I'm okay, I'll go back inside in a second."  
  
"You like her, don't you?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Ritsuko." Maya said nothing. He sighed at her silence. "Look, it's just an educated guess, and I'm sorry if I'm wro-"  
  
"What made you think so?" He smiled vaguely.  
  
"I saw you looking at her in there, it's not hard to recognise adoration like that, then when she kissed Misato, that was pure envy in your eyes." Maya seemed to take offence at this but before she could object, he continued. "It's okay, I think we've all had it like that for someone at some point, but it hurts, doesn't it?" Maya turned her face away from him, impressed at his perceptive power but unsettled by the accuracy of his observations. They sat in silence for a while, until she turned back to him once more.  
  
"Does anyone else know?" He shook his head.  
  
"Hyuga is the only one in with a chance of guessing and he couldn't pick up on something like this after three beers if he had training. I only just guessed myself." He allowed a few seconds to elapse. "So are you going to tell her?" Maya stared at him as if he'd just suggested she take Ritsuko's life.  
  
"Are you insane? How the hell would she react to that, do you want me to get fired?" Aoba shrugged.  
  
"She wouldn't fire you for telling her this, what do you have to lose after all? It's not like she's your best friend or anything."  
  
"What do I have to lose? What do I have to fucking lose? How about the respect of everybody who finds out? How well do you think that would go down with her, what it would do to my reputation?"  
  
"Maya, calm down, I'm sorry OK, but this isn-"  
  
"Calm down?" She had now risen to her feet as she yelled at him. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? I'm living under her roof for God's sake, do you really think she'd keep me as a house guest if she found out how disgusting and sick I am?"  
  
"Maya, Dr Akagi wouldn't judge you for something like this, I'm sure she's not like that, and what if she has feelings like this too?" She laughed hysterically at his idealistic suggestion.  
  
"Yes, because life really is that fair, Shigeru. Maybe in your fairytale pansy little world everything works out like that and boys love boys and girls love girls and everything is fine, but my life isn't like that, God knows that I wish it was, do you know how hard it's been for me? Do you have any idea what I gave up to be with my last girlfriend when I found out the way I was, how important that was to me, and how I stayed with her, when it all went sour because I didn't want to lose that security, the feeling of loving someone and having a roof over my hea-"  
  
"Maya! Stop this, you're drunk and you'll onl-"  
  
"Don't tell me to shut up!" She was now sobbing hysterically, though her voice was not as loud. "You have no idea what it's like for me right now, how hard it is to see her with another woman. Ritsuko will never know what I feel, because it's wrong, my parents were right to throw me out, girls shouldn't love girls. Yoshimi tried to teach me otherwise and what happened? She kicked me out too, I lost that, and I can't put my feelings on the line like that again, I love her too much to risk being rejected by her as well and yes it hurts, it can be agony at times but we all have crosses to bear. I can hide this, I can keep my feelings at bay and I would much rather have to live with that than have Ritsuko hate me for being some screwed up dyke who's bordering on obsessed with her. Dammit Aoba, she's all I can think about and you can't sit there and tell me she's going to take that well. She doesn't deserve all my bullshit, and she could do so much better than me anyway." She finished, sobbing convulsively, but Aoba was no longer looking at her, he was staring at the doorway of the bar behind her with an extremely odd expression, almost half wincing, half nauseated. Maya shook her head and whispered, almost inaudibly "No, she's not, please, she can't be." She turned around, as if she didn't know what she would see there, and was met with a pair of very familiar, very shocked, green eyes. "Shit." 


	10. chapter 10

She turned and ran.  
  
"Maya!" Ritsuko sprinted after her. The younger woman was quick and agile but the heels of her shoes added to her drunken staggering were no small handicap. Ritsuko's legs were longer and her footwear slightly easier to run in. "Maya!" The brunette tried to pay no attention to her pursuer and maintained her pace as best she could.  
  
"No.no...no, please, this isn't happening." Ritsuko had almost caught up to her when a crack in the pavement sent Maya sprawling to the floor with a minimum of dignity. She ignored the hot pain exploding in her left wrist and tried to pull herself to her feet, about to set off again but it was too late, Ritsuko had drawn level with her.  
  
"Maya!"  
  
"Leave me alone!" She was sobbing harder than ever before. She stared down at the floor, panting heavily. "Get the hell away from me!"  
  
"Maya, look at me."  
  
"Fuck off!" Tears beginning to fall down her own face, Ritsuko lost more than a little of her control and grabbed Maya by the shoulders, holding her firmly against a wall.  
  
"Would you just listen to me for five seconds!"  
  
"No! No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean those things I said, let me go, please, oh God I'm sorry, please, I'm so pathetic, I'm sorry, I don't mean it, please, I-" She was cut off in mid speech by Ritsuko's lips pressing tenderly against hers. They stayed there for a few seconds, before Ritsuko pulled away. It didn't calm her completely but the gesture managed to restore at least some of her coherence. However, it seemed to have angered Maya more than anything. "What the hell did you do that for?" Ritsuko tried to place her hands on Maya's waist but was pushed away. "Don't you dare, your girlfriend might see."  
  
"Maya, don't you get it? Misato and I aren't together, and everything you just said." Her voice was cracking as she tried to speak to her, desperate to hold her close. "I understand, Maya." Maya finally looked her in the face, her brown eyes wide and apologetic. She reached out her right hand and took one of Ritsuko's, interlacing her fingers with those of her sempai. Ritsuko took a step closer to her. "I love you." 


	11. chapter 11

Her head felt as if it were about to burst in all directions. She was aware of another person in bed with her, but the room was not hers. A further attempt at focusing her eyes confirmed that this was not a room in her own flat. It took a while for it to register that she was in her best friend's bedroom and that the snoring body next to her was that of Misato. Her mouth still tasted vaguely of vomit; she coughed distastefully and tried to block out the memory of throwing up for twenty minutes outside Misato's building. She couldn't remember much more about what had gone before.  
  
"Perverte mensch! Was machen sie denn? Ach, deliberately waiting for me after my shower, Aus! AUS!" The German girl's high-pitched yelling was agony on her throbbing brain and was enough to awaken the dormant Katsuragi. The purple haired woman grunted vaguely, rolled over and grinned sleepily at Ritsuko.  
  
"Some night huh?" Ritsuko nodded her agreement.  
  
"Mmmhmm, and I can see why we don't do this as much anymore. I feel like death warmed up, I guess I don't miss college as much as I thought." She sniffed. "Is that coffee?"  
  
"Probably." Misato yawned, rubbing at her eyes. "Shinji usually fills the percolator every morning for with breakfast." Ritsuko winced.  
  
"Ugh, not food, but coffee would be good.very good." She slowly climbed out of the bed, almost falling back down as the head rush hit her. With some effort she managed to direct her complaining frame towards the kitchen.  
  
"D.D.Dr Akagi!" Shinji seemed more than a little surprised as he leapt up from the table to greet her. She weakly attempted a smile as she ambled over to the percolator, grabbing a mug from the draining board. She sipped the rich, brown liquid gratefully, feeling it gently warm and wake her body from the inside. By the time Misato dragged herself out of bed, Ritsuko was halfway through her second mug and feeling almost human again. Shinji had disappeared back to his bedroom and was now embroiled in a bilingual argument with Asuka.  
  
More memories of the previous evening were beginning to filter back into Ritsuko's mind. She now recalled the seemingly endless tequila slammers and margheritas, the karaoke bar and running down the street shortly after 1 a.m., but there remained some considerable blanks. Misato sat opposite Ritsuko at the table, swigging from a beer can. "How can you even touch that stuff after last night, Misato?"  
  
"Ever heard of hair of the dog? Ultimate hangover cure, works like a charm." She took another slurp from the can. "So what happened with Maya last night?" Ritsuko choked on her coffee and muttered a few curses. THAT was what she couldn't remember, the biggest thing that had happened last night. She had told her, but surely it was all okay, Maya had said she felt it too, hadn't she? But they had both been so drunk.through her spluttering she managed to say  
  
"I need to talk to Maya, where is she?" Misato belched before replying.  
  
"She went home with Aoba, if you ask me I reckon he's got a thing for her." She laughed. "The state they were in last night, God only knows what they- "  
  
"Misato!" Both women were taken aback by the vehemence of Ritsuko's voice.  
  
"Geez, lighten up already, I was just kidding." Ritsuko pushed her chair back with a sigh and glanced at the floor.  
  
"I'm sorry." Should she tell Misato? Her friend probably had a right to know, but now wasn't the time, she really needed to see Maya first, they had too much to talk about for her to waste any more time. "Thanks for putting me up last night, we should do this more often." She felt her stomach turn slightly and managed to add, with forced lightness, "but not for a while."  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
When she awoke Maya immediately recognised the room as Shigeru's lounge. She also recalled straight away her exchange with her sempai. It didn't take her long to realise the lurch in her stomach and go running for the bathroom.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
When she had finally emerged from her homage to the porcelain God, Aoba was on hand with a glass of water and two aspirin caplets. He smiled benignly at her. "Take these and if the symptoms don't improve, call me in the morning." She raised her eyebrows, unimpressed at the wisecrack, but necked the pills gratefully, flushing them into her still-complaining stomach with a grimace.  
  
"Where's Ritsuko?" It was his turn to raise an eyebrow at her question.  
  
"Dr Akagi spent the night at Misato's place, they figured it would be easier just to take a cab back there rather than trying to get home separately." His matter-of-fact expression softened. "So are you going to spill what went on between you two last night or should I just butt out?" Maya winced as she thought more upon what had happened the night before. She was feeling more confused than she ever had before and the after effects of her innumerable vodka mixers weren't helping.  
  
"I need to go, I need to speak to her." Shigeru nodded.  
  
"Sounds like a sensible plan to me." He hugged her tightly and walked her over to the door. "Good luck Ibuki-chan. Whatever was said last night will be forgiven or acted on in due course. It's going to be okay, you'll see." She eyed him cautiously.  
  
"Hmm, that was a little deep and I'm not entirely sure I know what you're getting at." He shrugged.  
  
"I think I heard it on an episode of Pokemon once when I was younger." He smiled and kissed her cheek. "Go get 'em." 


	12. chapter 12

Maya was already at the apartment when Ritsuko arrived. She hesitated in the doorframe, key still in her hand. Maya was standing there, not five yards away, something oddly accusatory about her facial expression.  
  
"Morning, Maya."  
  
"Morning ma'am."  
  
There was a prolonged silence as Ritsuko took off her jacket and moved towards the kitchen, Maya carefully observing her every move. "Umm, I made a fresh pot of coffee, it should still be hot, it's only been there about five minutes." Ritsuko smiled as she filled a mug.  
  
"Thankyou, that's sweet of you." She sat down on the sofa, Maya perching nervously at the other end. Again, a silence descended upon them but it was Ritsuko who broke it this time. "I think we should talk about last night."  
  
"Okay." Another pause. "What do you want to say?"  
  
"Maya, we're both adults. I think we should have known better than to get so drunk and-carried away. But I'm sorry you were so upset last night."  
  
"No, no, Dr Akagi, it's fine, I assure you." Maya managed to amaze them both by putting on a smile. "Like you said, we get carried away, it never would have happened had I not behaved like a drunken teenager." She shrugged. "I said things that I didn't mean, wasn't the first time and it won't be the last, I was just being ridiculous, melodramatic." Ritsuko gazed suspiciously at her for a few seconds, finding it hard to believe that Maya could have become such a different person simply due to a few drinks, but then, very few people she knew, if any, could lie as convincingly as this.  
  
"Well I guess I still owe you an apology, I shouldn't have kissed you like that, it wasn't fair."  
  
"No, Dr Akagi, you were-"  
  
"Please, let me finish. I didn't mean anything by it." She only hoped her lies were as convincing as what Maya had just said. "The simple fact is that I don't handle drink well at all, I got far too emotional. My intent was not to initiate anything like that between us. I like you as a person and respect you as a colleague but it ends there. I hope you can forgive my irrational behaviour but I'll understand if you're not happy with me right now." Maya nodded.  
  
"And I'm sorry for what you heard me say, but most of that was fuelled by my anger at Aoba, we'd been arguing, so." she shrugged. "I say crazy things when I get mad, besides, it's still far too soon after Yoshimi and I.well." She laughed at herself. "Let's just say I'm not exactly in the frame of mind for starting another relationship right now."  
  
"Yes, I can see where you're coming from. Personally I don't have the time to get involved with anyone. But I'm sure we will find people, when we're ready."  
  
"Yup, guess so." Maya smiled and headed into the kitchen, seeming surprisingly perky. Ritsuko reclined happily onto the sofa, that exchange had been easier than she'd expected. Maya didn't want to get involved, and that was fine, wasn't it? Ritsuko was unsure of whether or not this was what she really wanted, so by backing out now she had done the right thing, hadn't she? So why, she thought to herself, was this feeling of emptiness growing inside her? She realised all too suddenly the mistake she had made, by not being honest, by not facing up to what had happened. Suddenly feeling choked again, Ritsuko tried to hold the tears back but to no avail. She sobbed into her hands, hunched over on the sofa, until she was aware of Maya's arm around her shoulder. "Shhh, sempai."  
  
"Oh God, Maya, I'm sorry."  
  
"I just wish you had told me the truth straight away, perhaps I do love you, but you lied to me, Dr Akagi, you denied what you really felt for me. I just can't trust anybody who would lie to me, I can't live like that. It wouldn't work. I don't want to be with you."  
  
"No! Please, Maya, why won't you give me a chance?"  
  
"Shinjuku 3, East."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The next station is Shinjuku 3, East"  
  
Ritsuko's eyes snapped open and she realised that she was still on the subway, pulling into her station. She dried her eyes, she hadn't intended to fall asleep on the train and the fact she had been crying in her sleep only added to her embarrassment, but none of the other few commuters seemed to even acknowledge her as she stepped onto the platform. 


	13. chapter 13

Maya was the first to arrive back at the flat. She was more then a little uncomfortable being alone in Ritsuko's home, especially after last night. She was unwilling even to sit down, feeling as if it was an invasion of her sempai's privacy. She settled for standing and looking out of the rear window, overlooking the small yard at the centre of the apartment complex. The tranquil waters of the small pond there offered stark contrast to the hubbub of the main street visible from the front window of the flat. From her vantage point three floors up, Maya observed a young mother with two small children, twin girls from the look of it, playing with small toy boats on the water. She was vaguely aware of a feeling close to tenderness evoked by the image but her mind was elsewhere. As she leaned on the windowsill she felt a sharp jolt of pain through her right wrist and withdrew it to her body, stifling a cry. She bit her lip as tears sprung to her eyes, gingerly examining the injured joint. Shigeru had bandaged it for her the previous evening but since then it had swollen even more and she could see bruising around the base of her thumb. Thankfully it didn't appear to be broken, but it had still taken a fairly hard knock last night. She refastened the bandage, managing to tie it awkwardly with her left hand, before heading back into her room to search for some more painkillers.  
  
Maya finally gave in to her complaining feet and sat down tensely on Ritsuko's couch, shooting a nervous glance at the clock on the wall every few seconds. Maya cast her eye over the coffee table and felt almost tempted by the open cigarette packet there, feeling a need for anything that may calm her nerves, but she resisted, drumming her fingers impatiently on her knees. She looked up at the clock again, surely more than a minute must have passed since she had sat down? Perhaps the clock was faulty, slow. She stood up once again, pacing to and from the window. She found herself praying once again that she had dreamt last night, or imagined it at least. Ritsuko would walk in as if nothing had happened and she would ask if Maya had enjoyed her night out with Shigeru and Makoto, then sempai would perhaps take a shower and they would both get on with their weekends, as two separate entities, neither knowing anything about the other they hadn't known the previous morning.  
  
What was the alternative? Ritsuko genuinely did feel the same way for her, after all, she had said as much last night, why would she lie?  
  
"To shut me up." Maya felt a lump rise in her throat as she reminded herself that she had been damn near hysterical last night, and with their lowered inhibitions, it wasn't beyond the bounds that Ritsuko's kiss was simply a tactic used to silence her. It had worked, she had been almost instantly placated by it, but for an action like that to have been taken in the sole interest of calming someone's temper was nothing short of malicious, and Maya found it hard to even consider Dr Akagi as having an ounce of malice to her name. She looked at the clock again, she had been pacing for three minutes, or so it said. "It must be slow" she muttered to herself "it must be."  
  
It then occurred to her that Ritsuko might still be at Misato's apartment, there was no guarantee that she had even left yet. Maya clapped her hand to her forehead for having not considered this earlier, she may have been waiting for someone who was not even awake yet, who may be sleeping off last night, completely peaceful. Maya picked up the cordless phone from the kitchen and glanced down the list of numbers tacked to the wall next to it. She paused only for a second to wonder why Ritsuko had contact numbers for commander Ikari's work, home and cell phones but dismissed it immediately, assuming that his contact details were issued to everyone over a certain rank. She found the number and it's speed-dial reference but before she had a chance to press the correct button down, the key turned in the lock.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
She had hesitated for a few moments at the front door, key in her hand, not really sure if she wanted to open it. What she had overheard last night had flooded her with joy, with relief, with love, the possibility of Maya feeling that way for her seemed far too good to be true but the way it had been revealed was all wrong. A slurred, loud, drunken revelation was not the confession of mutual desire she had hoped for and though what she had said to Maya last night was from her heart, there was still a chance that what Maya had said was simply a symptom of her inebriated state, at best an exaggerated expression of respect for Ritsuko, at worst the fabricated ramblings of a girl in the throes of alcohol poisoning.  
  
And what of her confession to Maya? True as they were, she couldn't help but feel that she had rushed into saying it just because it had seemed the thing to do at the time. Even if the sentiment was mutual, she wasn't convinced that she was ready to take that step with Maya yet, given more time to order her thoughts perhaps she would see more clearly whether this was what she wanted or not. After all, she was already in a physical relationship; to become involved with another person at the same time was simply immoral.  
  
But then, the dream. She had prided herself for the whole of her adult life on being a woman of science and believed dreams to have no meaning or relevance in the real world. They were to her no more than a series of chemical reactions, if she happened to feel emotions with them at the same time then it was simply a minor inconvenience for her, an unwanted side effect of the movement of potassium ions across the phospholipid bilayers of her neurones perhaps, but certainly not anything that could or should affect her life. She was more than capable of living ruled by her conscious mind alone, she was not one for allowing the flaky, unstable human subconscious to take her over. She had only woken up in tears from a dream on one occasion before, well, it had been several occasions, but the same dream, looking into a mirror and seeing her mother's face glaring back at her. Although at first it had shaken her quite considerably, she had moved on from it, passed it off as a side effect of her drive to distinguish herself beyond the reputation of her surname. Perhaps elements of the conscious life did come into dreams, Ritsuko was willing to accept that much, but found it hard to come to terms with the idea of letting them have any effect on her normal life. Still, the current situation could hardly be described as "normal". Not only that but Ritsuko still cringed at the mere memory of the feeling of emptiness and sorrow she had felt in her dream when Maya had rejected her. She didn't know for sure whether she could cope with that in the real world. She would doubtlessly be able to put a brave face on it and carry on as usual, but when it came down to it she loved Maya more intensely than she had ever cared for anyone in her thirty years of life so far. It was then that it clicked. This was her shot at happiness, and she couldn't throw it away.  
  
She placed the key firmly in the lock and opened the door, still unsure of how she was going to act. 


	14. chapter 14

Neither woman really had a sense of how long they stood there for, staring at each other, caught in a stalemate, both at first afraid to make a move, before Ritsuko eventually took a cautious step towards the brunette.  
  
"Maya." Having heard her name, the younger woman rushed forwards, quickstepping the rest of the distance between them. Tears were already falling down her face as she flung her arms around Ritsuko, who instinctively began to place fleeting pecks on Maya's cheeks, before drawing her into a long, deep kiss that was gladly reciprocated. Whatever reaction each of them had been expecting from the other, it had not been anything like this. All of the worries and the stress the two women had had over their feelings over the past few days, weeks, even months seemed to dissolve in that embrace. Maya gripped Ritsuko tightly, not wanting any space to come between them, afraid that letting her go may destroy the moment, may wake her up from this most beautiful of dreams, alone once again. They eventually broke their kiss and looked deep into each other's eyes. Ritsuko saw Maya's tears and tenderly brushed them away with her thumb, kissing Maya's cheeks in their wake.  
  
"Oh.oh." Maya's voice came in choked sobs of pure joy. "Ritsuko.I love you so, so much." Ritsuko nuzzled at Maya's neck gently and allowed her hands to caress the exposed skin of Maya's back. The younger woman whimpered and felt her legs begin to weaken at the touch of Ritsuko's hands against her skin, as she placed her own arms over the blonde's shoulders. This moment was so much greater than either of them had ever dared to dream it might have been, the suppressed longing each had harboured for the other only deepening the intensity of sensation caused by every breath, every kiss and every caress. Both women were now completely aware and objectionable to the restriction imposed upon them by their clothing. Almost without thinking, Maya slid the straps of Ritsuko's dress off her shoulders and the garment dropped to the floor. Ritsuko slid her hands behind Maya's neck to untie the halter fastening. Leaning in close to Maya's ear she whispered.  
  
"Are you as sure as me that you want this to happen?" Maya nodded and replied, sounding almost in pain.  
  
"I've not been this sure of anything in a long, long time, please don't stop, no matter what, promise me you won't stop." Maya swallowed hard. "I need you." Ritsuko found the hook and eye fastenings on the back of Maya's top, her skilled fingers quickly unhooking them as she explored Maya's neck with her tongue, before moving her lips back to Maya's ear.  
  
"I love you." The lilac material fell to the floor, leaving Maya naked from the waist up. Ritsuko unfastened her own bra and discarded it, drawing Maya once again into her arms. She moaned softly as Maya's breasts came into contact with her own, a feeling that drove her to new heights of arousal. She had been missing this level of desire for somebody, physically and emotionally, someone who wanted her in return, for too long and she couldn't help but give in to it. Keeping as close as they possibly could, with maximum contact, the two women quickly moved into Ritsuko's bedroom, not bothering to close the door behind them.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The early evening sunshine filtered in through the linen curtains, bathing the room in a warm, hazy light. There was no noise in the apartment, aside from the deep, rhythmic breathing of the lovers, creating an atmosphere of total peace. Even the traffic noise from outside seemed distant lending an idyllic, dream-like feeling to the room. Maya looked little short of angelic as she lay, her head on Ritsuko's chest, one arm draped over her torso. She appeared to be sleeping, even though it was just 4pm. Still, the activity that had gone before had been physically exhausting for both of them, though at the same time it had healed and restored them to some extent emotionally. The blonde sighed contentedly and whispered, barely audibly "Thankyou."  
  
"You're welcome." Maya's eyes opened and she looked up at Ritsuko with a smile.  
  
"Now that's a dirty trick, pretending to be asleep." Maya giggled as Ritsuko kissed the top of her head.  
  
"I'm sorry." She feigned a pout. "Would you like to punish me?" It was Ritsuko's turn to laugh.  
  
"Only if you're lucky." She yawned and stretched languidly. Maya seized the opportunity to snuggle closer still to Ritsuko, pretending to shiver. "Surely you can't be cold? It's over ninety degrees outside." Maya replied in tones of fake indignance.  
  
"Air conditioning sempai, brrr!" Ritsuko chuckled softly, but was drowned out by the growling of Maya's stomach.  
  
"Hungry?"  
  
"Hmmmm yes."  
  
"Feel like cooking?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Me either." She paused for a few seconds, mulling over their options. Much as she didn't feel like cooking, she wasn't sure she could motivate herself to actually leave the house in search of food. Besides, leaving the house would return them to the real world, a world full of people and worry and unpleasantness and she wasn't quite ready to leave their blissful time together as a couple. "We could order something up."  
  
"Would I have to get dressed?" Ritsuko considered this for a moment.  
  
"No, you could just stay there and be lazy."  
  
"Very funny." Maya yawned. "Wait a second.would YOU have to get dressed?"  
  
"Well one of us will have to open the door to the delivery person."  
  
"Aww." She sighed. "Okay, I'll get up." Maya lethargically pulled herself out of bed, not bothering to cover up her nudity as she went to the guest room. Ritsuko reached over to her bedside table and picked up the telephone.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Their impromptu dinner of a large Hawaiian pizza arrived whilst Ritsuko was showering so Maya, freshly bathed and dressed in short denim cutoffs and a plain yellow T-shirt, answered the door and paid for the delivery. Ritsuko heard the doorbell and cut her shower short, wrapping a large towel around her body for the most informal dinner date she had ever had. Maya raised an approving eyebrow. "Do you always dress like this around your houseguests?"  
  
"Don't get your hopes up, I'm not usually this much of a slob I'm just starving right now." She knelt down to the table. "If you want a permanently indecently dressed hostess you'd do better to move in with Misato." Maya laughed and grabbed a slice, Ritsuko already tucking in. "Well, it may be the lazy option but it sure beats anything I could have cooked."  
  
"I'm sure you can't be that bad." Said Maya, rushing to contradict Ritsuko's self-deprecation, prompting a snicker from the elder woman.  
  
"Oh you have a lot to learn about living with me Maya. I'm afraid I'm not domesticated in the slightest." She reached for another slice of pizza. "But I'm sure we'll be able to get by together." Maya smiled.  
  
"Yes, Ritsuko." 


	15. chapter 15

Monday marked their first day at work as a couple. They stopped at the launderette on their way to work, as they usually did on Monday. Aoba didn't comment on the pair of them arriving together, though Maya suspected that he had guessed more than he was letting on.  
  
All of the employees with whom they came into contact noticed the difference in them, both were indisputably happier and much more light- hearted than they had been previously and their productivity, Maya's especially, had increased dramatically. Misato cornered Ritsuko in her office shortly after her arrival, with two mugs of coffee. "Heya Dr Akagi, I see you've recovered from this weekend." She winked and flashed Ritsuko a grin.  
  
"Yes, thankyou, I had a good time on Friday. As I said, we should go out more often."  
  
"There ya go, that's the girl I knew in college." She took a sip from her own drink, handing the other to Ritsuko. "So, what's new? I don't think you need me to tell you how down you seemed last week, but now, don't get me wrong, it's great to see you happy again, but I kinda wondered what you've been doing." A cheeky glint appeared in her eye. "Or WHO you've been doing!"  
  
Ritsuko almost choked on her coffee but couldn't help smirking as she replied. "That really is none of your concern, CAPTAIN, am I going to have to file a complaint about your inappropriate professional conduct?"  
  
"Aww c'mon Ritsu, I'm just showing the interest of a friend. You've not had a look like this about you since the last time you.that's it isn't it? You've met someone!"  
  
"Again, that information is not pertinent to our current situation. How are the children? Are they all suited up and ready for the prolonged activation test?"  
  
"Aww, quit trying to change the subject! Won't you give me a name, if nothing else?"  
  
"I can think of plenty of names for you right now." Ritsuko always enjoyed winding Misato up, if only because she was so easily led.  
  
Her dark-haired friend was fuming but at the same time trying to keep her voice calm. "Fine. Don't tell me. I don't care who you're screwing anyway, I'll just be happy for you without knowing a damn thing as to why."  
  
Ritsuko grinned, shaking her head. "Feigned indifference as an information gathering tactic. Come on Misato, give me SOME credit at least, anyone can see through that act."  
  
Misato replied to the taunt with mock haughtiness. "I don't have to take that crap from you first thing in the morning, it really isn't worth it." She headed for the door.  
  
"You will probably find out in due course anyway." She looked Misato in the eye for the first time during their whole exchange. "But it's early days for us at the moment, we're still getting to know each other and I don't want to jinx it."  
  
Misato stopped just short of jumping up and down on the spot but her excitement still showed through. "So I was right! You DO have someone! Well, congratulations kid, I hope it all goes well for you, you deserve it. And I won't ask any more questions if you don't want me to. For today at least."  
  
Ritsuko smiled. "Thanks Misato, you nosy bitch." She winked. "If it goes well maybe I'll introduce the two of you one day."  
  
Misato grinned again as she opened the door. "Yeah, It'd be nice to meet the person who's made you so happy all of a sudden, they must be something really special." Misato hadn't noticed Maya's appearance at the open doorway until the brunette coughed politely. "Oh, hey Maya." She glanced at the steaming mug in Maya's hands. "Heh, sorry, looks like I beat ya to it." But she winked good-naturedly before breezing away down the corridor. Maya glanced to Ritsuko, who beckoned her in. Maya allowed the door to close behind her.  
  
"Well, sempai, I guess you won't be wanting this after all." She looked down at the coffee mug, almost dejectedly, but Ritsuko took it from her, pushing the cup Misato had given her to one side.  
  
"No, no, I'll take that, thankyou Maya." She sighed. "Captain Katsuragi means well but you'd think after 29 years she'd have learnt how to NOT make coffee taste of paint thinner." She took a grateful sip from the mug Maya had brought for her and sighed. "That's heavenly Maya, is there anything you can't do?" Maya blushed and looked down at her feet as Ritsuko stood up and moved next to Maya, placing her arms around her in a gentle embrace, then kissing her, softly at first but as Maya was drawn into it, it became more passionate. Their breathing deepened and Maya made a tiny whimpering noise as she allowed one of her hands to caress Ritsuko's back whilst the other unzipped a pathway into her shirt, to the black lace bra and the soft, perfect breasts of her lover. "Dr Ritsuko Akagi to the Pribnow box to initiate activation tests, Dr Ritsuko Akagi to the Pribnow box to initiate activation tests." Ritsuko's stomach lurched as she pulled away from Maya and found herself, not for the first time, wishing that ANY voice except her mother's had been used for the electronic tannoy system co-ordinated by the MAGI. She reluctantly pulled away from Maya and rezipped her shirt, still panting for breath.  
  
"Dammit" she hurriedly kissed Maya again. "We'd better go." Another kiss. "But I will make this up to you later, I promise." With that, they both hurried out of the office, with nothing but flushed cheeks and tousled hair to suggest what they had been up to.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED..  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
nyaaah hope y'all are enjoying it so far and all that jazz. Perhaps some of you are thinking "why are there so many short chapters when you could have just done a few long ones?" Good question. It's personal preference.  
  
Anywho, as yet I've not exactly finished writing this. I have my plot and suchlike all planned out, but nothing is fo' shizzle as yet. But there will be more. Just don't rush me, aiight? 


	16. chapter 16

She was reaching to press the doorbell for a second time when the door opened. Her ex-girlfriend offered a hand, which Maya shook carefully without smiling.

"Yoshimi, I can't stay for long, I just want to get the rest of my stuff and go." By avoiding smalltalk, Maya was hoping to make the whole process easier on herself yet she still had that same gnawing, churning feeling in the pit of her stomach and her heart was beating ten to the dozen. Her ex-lover on the other hand, seemed much calmer, almost serene.

"Of course, come on in." Maya shuddered ever so slightly as she stepped into the familiar room. Nothing had changed since she had last been there, save the fact that now it was no longer the entrance to her own home. Although she didn't regret leaving, a pang of something akin to homesickness hit her, it was only brief but it caught her off-guard and reaffirmed her desire to keep this visit short. Maya had also been caught out by how attractive she still found Yoshimi, even in the scruffy cutoffs and black vest, her usual attire for slobbing at home. "Would you like a drink?" Maya couldn't avoid the thirst that had crept upon her making the journey back to her old home in the 95 degree heat.

"Umm, just a glass of water please." Yoshimi winked at her.

"Sure. Do you want to sit down down for a few minutes before you start packing? You look like you're burning up, a rest might do you good." Against her better judgement, Maya agreed. She sat down at the familiar kitchen table and couldn't avoid the conversations sparked by her ex-lover. "So, how are you doing Maya?" Maya accepted the glass handed to her with a gracious smile.

"I'm fine, thank you. Work has been somewhat hectic this week, there was the citywide power cut I'm sure you know about. Otherwise I'm okay. How about you?" Yoshimi pushed a lock of her thick, jet-black hair behind her left ear and smiled again.

"Oh I'm good thanks. The massage business is booming at the moment, everybody is so stressed with all of these attacks on the city, it's working out great for us at work." They both smiled awkwardly during the ensuing few second's silence. "Have you found a place to stay yet?" Maya cleared her throat and raised a cynical eyebrow.

"Yes, as it happens, though your sudden concern surprises me. Remind me again, who exactly kicked who out of this apartment?" Yoshimi sighed and looked down at the table.

"I can't defend what I did, Maya, but I still care about your welfare, it's not like I want you to be on the streets. You could always have stayed here until you sorted yourself out." Maya snorted indignantly.

"And listened to you fucking him in our bed all night? I'd rather sleep in a doorway in the goddamn red light district." Maya could feel the anger rising inside her, but didn't stop. "You've got a cheek pretending you're actually bothered about how I'm doing after you told me you never wanted to see me in your house again." Yoshimi sighed.

"I can understand that you're upset with me Maya, but I was angry then, I know that doesn't excuse what I said or did, but you have to admit we've both said things we didn't mean when we fought."

"When did you suddenly gain this enlightenment? Or is this just how HE likes you to talk?" Maya was beign highly unreasonable now and she knew it. She hated letting herself get to this stage, so she took a deep breath. "Look, I've got no intention of having this discussion with you right now, or ever in fact. I'm just going to pack my cases and go, then you can get on with your life and let me do the same."

"Maya, I know this can't be easy for you, but it's hard for me too!" Maya rolled her eyes as she left the kitchen. That remark was so typical of Yoshimi, utterly self-centred woman that she was. When they had been together, Maya had dealt with it graciously, after all, her ex partner had been an overindulged only child so knew no different way to behave. She also had the considerable advantages of seemingly boundless charm when it was useful to her and outstanding physical beauty. Maya had loved her despite the self absorption, it was a result of her circumstances and therefore Yoshimi didn't really have a choice in it did she? She had been used to the adoration of others and had never wanted for anything her whole life. It had been almost an endearing character trait whilst the two of them were together, but now that she could view Yoshimi objectively, Maya objected on an almost visceral level to the other woman's blatant histrionics. Without a word in response she made her way towards what had once been their bedroom.

It had taken Maya under half an hour to gather all of her belongings together and pack them into her two cases. She dragged them to the front and shot a disapproving glare at the men's trainers that now stood in the same place her work boots once had. Yoshimi emerged from the kitchen to bid her farewell. She smiled benignly and without warning embraced Maya tightly. Maya did not reciprocate, simply turned on her heels with a curt "Goodbye."

Ritsuko could tell that Maya wasn't quite feeling herself as soon as she came through the door. Upon questioning she claimed to be fine, thus confirming Ritsuko's suspicions that all was not well, but pressing the issue didn't seem fair on Maya. Besides, it wasn't as if Ritsuko couldn't guess what had upset her girlfriend. They carried on as usual, enjoying their lazy Saturday evening together. They cooked chilli and ate together, then snuggled close together on the sofa to watch TV and share a bottle of red wine, though their attention was not really on the screen in front of them. They had been together for only three weeks, a period of time they had spent mostly at work or asleep, so the leisure time they had together tended to be spent in physical closeness and the satisfaction of basic desires.

Ritsuko lay on her front, allowing Maya to straddle her and massage her shoulders as a thank you from Maya for cleaning up after dinner. She sighed as she felt her muscles relaxing under Maya's hands. "Mmmm, either I've been more stressed than I've given myself credit for, or you are incredible at that, Maya, this feels absolutely beautiful."

Maya was grateful that Ritsuko couldn't see her face, as she blushed pink at the compliment. "Well, you are very tense, especially through your deltoids. You need to cut down on the amount of stress you get at work." Ritsuko tensed slightly at the mention of work, so Maya pressed harder, eliciting a soft moan from her partner. She pulled back her hands as if she'd been burned. "I'm sorry, am I hurting you?"

A lazy chuckle escaped Ritsuko's lips. "Oh God no, that's divine, you really need to teach me how to do this, I feel shitty for not being able to reciprocate." Maya smiled as she eased her grip and places a few kisses down Ritsuko's back. 

"Just keep cleaning up after meals, my sempai, and we'll be even. How do you feel?" Ritsuko mumbled something unintelligible and sighed blissfully. "OK, you stay there for a second whilst I go and wash my hands, take it from me, that oil is not nice anywhere except your skin."

When Maya returned, Ritsuko had rolled onto her back and was watching what had come onto the television, a dubbed late-night show from the states about fetish nightclubs. Maya felt a familiar tingling sensation between her thighs and was sure she was blushing again. Ritsuko smirked cheekily at her. "Not getting any ideas are you, Maya-chan?" Maya giggled a little awkwardly as Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. The older woman held her eyes out to her partner. "Come and kiss me, you exotic, erotic, massage-giving beauty!" Maya laughed as she lay on top of Ritsuko, pressing closely against her along the whole length of her body. She stifled a yawn, which didn't go unnoticed by her lover. "Tired?" Maya nodded. She was more exhausted emotionally than physically, visiting her old flat had taken its toll on her, as if it was the final item of closure on her relationship with Yoshimi, the final thing she needed before she could move on. As she cuddled Ritsuko, any remaining sorrow dissipated. At that point, in the arms of the woman she had pined for and adored for so long, Maya could not remember a time when she had been happier.


End file.
